It's Good to be Home?

So, it's finally winter break and I'm home. I should be happy and relaxed, right? I have no school work to worry about, I'll be in DC next semester and I finally have an internship; I should just be enjoying this supposed magical time of year. Yet, I find myself wondering if I'm actually happy at home. I should be hanging out with old friends and laughing merrily with my family. But for the past two nights, I have watched online TV and season 1 of Mad Men from Blockbuster alone in my room. Maybe I'm just not used to being alone, or maybe I just don't like not having a routine, but I don't feel comfortable. I feel like I'm staying in a hotel... no matter how homey or comfortable a hotel room tries to be, it's never take-a-deep-breath-and-smile-because-you-know-you're-home feeling. I feel like I'm creeping around trying not to disturb anyone or any delicate relationships or routines. I spent yesterday feeling uncomfortable and awkward as if I were a spectator in my own life. I was emotional and numb at the same time and I spent an hour wasting precious, expensive, gas driving with no destination in an attempt to clear my head and all I did was cloud it. I'm making big deals out of nothings and I'm frankly, just off.

I wonder if this feeling will go away. I felt like this over Thanksgiving, and it didn't really actually go away. But I'm hoping it will because I'm home for a longer period of time and I don't have finals and other work looming in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm just over thinking things. I probably sound really stupid. I should just go to bed.

Fall Break & Retreat

It's been a little while since I've written. A bunch of stuff has happened... fall break, getting back to school, a church retreat, an interview for an internship in DC (!) ...etc. But not only has a lot happened as far as events and a schedule and whatnot, I've been all over the place emotionally. Going home was super exciting because I got to see my family and Andrew and I even ran into a couple friends at Kings Dominion. It was so nice to just be in a place where I feel so comfortable and I didn't have to worry about tests or papers or the drama of group projects for a few days. It was nice to just breathe again. But even though I felt so comfortable, there felt like there was still something missing. I didn't feel whole, like I have felt in the past when I've been home on break. This time felt so different and it bothered me. Then, not resolving the difference made it even harder coming back to school when I knew that the certain things that did feel better when I was home were going to go back to the uncomfortable limbo where they were before fall break. I always feel like there's something missing when I'm at school. I've been able to rectify the emptiness for a little while, but it keeps returning.

That was a bit of what I was focusing on during my retreat this past weekend. I've just been confused and the emptiness keeps haunting me. I'm trying to pray more, read the Bible more, and journal (not here, obviously), which is helping, but sometimes I feel like I'm all alone and I don't really have anyone to talk to about church-y stuff. I mean, I do... but sometimes I feel like I don't and it's tough to feel alone and stuck in my own head, wrestling twelve million things at once. This weekend helped me to come to some conclusions about my life and some decisions that I need to make. I struggled through prayer and scripture, while trying to be attentive to the presence of God and Jesus and figure out where and who I am and supposed to be. I didn't get very far, naturally, but it was a start. I know I'm on the right path. I just need to stick with it, which is the tough part, considering I have so many things to juggle.
There were two things this weekend that spiritually, really stuck out in my mind. The first was when were instructed to go out on our own to talk to Jesus, and try and figure out who Jesus is in our own lives. We had a packet throughout the weekend and the page in the packet for this prayer exercise had some questions to get us started, but we were really supposed to delve into ourselves and converse (not only by talking to, but by listening as well) with Jesus. My prayer time started off pretty simple, going through the questions on the paper, but very quickly, as I was walking along the path of the retreat center, my prayer turned into working through something that I have been struggling with for a while now. We had 45 minutes to complete this exercise, and I think I spent 30 of those 45 on a wooden staircase that was supposed to lead to a hiking path, crying, shaking, and talking to Jesus and trying to listen and trying to trust that my prayers would be answered. After the time was up, we had to go to dinner, but when we returned, we did an exercise where we wrote down some sins, faults, places in our life where we have not been true to ourselves or others, etc. When were were finished with writing things down, we were to throw them in the fire as a symbol of renewal and reconciliation. Now, I recognize that this was not an official confession and does not count as the sacrament of reconciliation, but I still thought it was so effective. Still thinking about my personal prayer time, I started to write. I wrote so much... I think I took this assignment to heart a little too much. I was the last one to finish, but I was so engrossed and internally-focused that I didn't even notice until I got up to throw my paper into the fire. The thing that was so powerful and perfect, though, was that I put on Audrey Assad (I brought my iHome and iPod to play), and "Come Clean" was the first song to come on when I pressed shuffle. I thought I would be the only one to notice this, which I know was not a coincidence, but it turns out that others noticed as well. God was definitely in that moment of reflection and renewal.
The second thing that stood out for me this past weekend was just the people that were at the retreat. Everyone was just so accepting of everyone and so willing to offer their prayers, listening ears, and encouragement. There were so many laughs, tears, and silence shared for the grace of God that it was just so powerful to be in the presence of so many wonderful people that I know I can turn to if I need a pick-me-up or someone to pray with. They are wonderful, and I could not even imagine this weekend without them. Most of this weekend I didn't feel the emptiness I keep experiencing and I could just be myself.

STRESSSSSSS

I've been super stressed lately. To the point of making my immune system low enough to get sick. :( I'm trying to work on the stress, but there's just a lot to do. I have so many projects and papers and tests in the next 5 days that I'm on information and work overload. In addition, I have recently become the marketing/PR/advertising person for the Catholic Community, AND I joined an 8-week prayer program that requires me to take 30 minutes a day to engage in prayer. That may not sound like a big deal or a lot of work or whatever, but at the moment, I don't really have 30 minutes to spare. I'm trying, I really am, but it's tough to just sit and be in a prayerful mindset when I have so much clouding my brain.
Currently, I'm sitting in a group paper (yes, group paper) meeting. I'm not supposed to be doing anything at the moment – someone is looking at it and making revisions so that we can be done with it and hand it in tomorrow. I really want it to be next Wednesday. Aside from a paper that is due at 8am, I don't have anything else to worry about. My flight is at 6 something, and I have a friend to drive me to the airport. Then Andrew is going to pick me up in Richmond. :)
My mind, however, is currently filled with observation notes, JCP facts and opinions, accounting principles, and other useless information. Okay, so maybe most of it isn't useless. But I can say a fair amount of it is.
I just have to get through this week. This time next week I will be in the 804 chilling with my family and my boyfriend. I just need to stay positive and stress-free (not likely...). I can do this. I can do this. I CAN do this.

I define myself...

So lately I have become addicted to stumbleupon.com. In my stumbling adventures today, I found this. I really love it. Most of it hits right on to what I've been trying to figure out and stand for. There are so many times where all I can think about are the negatives, but this focuses on the positives and outlines how I am trying to live my life (although, admittedly, not entirely successful... yet). I look forward to the day in which I am confident enough to say those things wholeheartedly. Maybe that will be one of my new goals.

I know you read this..

Hello Andrew.

Transferring...

Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen a different college. I wonder how different my life would be if I had gone to a school closer to home. Sometimes I think that it would be really nice to be closer to home so I could come home more than four times a year, and people could actually come and visit me without spending hundreds of dollars and dealing with airplanes and whatever. Today, I started looking up random schools that some facebook friends go to and then tried to look at schools with similar programs to what I have now...I found some, and one that actually had something super similar to the program I'm in now, including my minor.

I have considered transferring before, but I know I never will. As much as I gripe on and on about random things about Ithaca (the internet, the weather, etc.), I do like it here. I (mostly) like the people I've met and the classes I'm taking. This year is so far a lot better than last year, especially with the Catholic Community. Last year it felt so clique-y and I felt really awkward standing outside of the group, when I was so used to being in a group I felt so comfortable with. I suppose that's a side effect of being a "first year" in general, but I just didn't feel like I belonged. This year I fell so much more comfortable, especially now that we have a new Lay Campus Minister. I feel like it's a fresh start on so many levels. Coming back to school this year was comforting for the most part, just because I knew that as much as I don't like initial change, I would be okay because I've done this before. I could research other colleges all I want, and sometimes long to be somewhere else where I know people from home, but I would never actually transfer. I couldn't imagine transferring and leaving behind all the friends I've made here who make this place bearable and for the most part really fun. Really, if I could just pick up this campus and (mostly) everyone on it and move it closer to the people back home that I love, I totally would.

If I get into the DC program (I applied and they have my application!), it'll be nice to be close to home for a while, and I have a feeling that it's going to be super difficult to come back. But then I'll remember the feeling that I got when I arrived back on campus for the first time since May and know that I am comfortable here and this is my home away from home (as much as I'm sure my mom and probably my boyfriend don't like hearing that).

Faith Identity

Herein lies my problem: I think I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I'm trying too hard to be more faithful and to emulate people I've seen at Catholic conferences and/or people I follow on Twitter. They just seem to have it all put together, so sure of themselves, so trusting and secure in their faith. I constantly wonder "how did they get to that point? how are they so sure of themselves and their faith? why aren't I so sure?"

But I realized tonight, while thinking and inwardly struggling, that I'm not them. My life is so different from those people I look at and admire. Yes, we all share the same faith and the same God, but I am my own person. I have my own hopes and dreams and prayers. I don't have to pray for X, Y, & Z in order to be a faithful and loving person. I don't have to pray a certain way or be interested in all the same things to be secure in my faith. I used to be a lot more certain in my faith than I am now. I think part of my problem is that I started comparing myself to all these people and I stopped being so concerned with my own faith life. I need to focus on me. I need to change how I view people and their faith as well as how I view my own. This is my life. I don't need to compare myself to people. I shouldn't. Because when I do, I only end up doubting myself and losing sight of what really matters: myfaith relationship. As much as it's nice to know that others are growing in their relationships with the Lord, that's their business, and I need to worry about mine.

Conclusions

Here is my conclusion:

I do not like my body. I feel so fat and I think that everyone is judging me on my looks. I guess that’s a product of being a member of today’s society. If I am not 5’10”, have long straight hair, and a size 0-4, I do not belong here. The average woman in America is a size 12. I’m average… but yet I feel sofat. I look at my peers, those in their string bikinis and their one chin, and envy them. I wish I could look like them. I question why I don’t. Why was I not blessed with a “perfect” body? Why was I given looks that are accepted my today’s society? Why do I feel like I don’t belong?

Over the past year, I have lost and gained weight, only to end up heavier than I have ever been. I have no motivation to be active, though. “I have no time.” “I don’t feel like working out.” “I don’t want to the gym with people I know… I will look like a whale and people will judge me.” I make these excuses time after time. Why do I make such excuses? Why can’t I be like my sister who at 5’10” weighs less than I do at 5’3”? Why can’t I be like her, who has motivation and drive? She says all the time that she is fat, and I want to slap her in the face. How could she possibly think that? She is beautiful, and I am the one cringing when I look in the mirror, wanting to buy XXXL sweatpants and sweatshirt and curl up in a corner.

This is not a new thing, this self-loathing, self-pity, and self-consciousness. I have always been self-conscious. Ages 6-16, I swam competitively. From a young age, I was never ever one of the skinny-minis who have the perfect swimmer’s body. Even that young, I would compare myself to those other girls and wish I could have lean bodies like them, gracefully moving through the water like angelfish, instead of floundering around like a sea creature gasping for water when they are caught on a fisherman’s hook. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I trained, I was never as thin or fit as the other girls… This just made me feel more self-conscious… and I suppose it just stuck.

Trying to Figure it Out

I have come to a point in my life where I have no idea what I want and I am always confused. There will be days where I feel like I know exactly what I want to do and I am certain that my studies will help me succeed. But there are other days where I feel like my head is spinning and I can't focus on a clear path of action. I feel so blocked as far as school is concerned, especially when it comes to filling out my application for an internship program in DC next semester.

I have to write a personal essay about how my academic and career goals will play into an internship and what my ideal internship looks like. But if I don't know what I want to do with my life, how am I supposed to answer that? I don't know. I can't just write an essay saying I want to be closer to home, which, to be perfectly honest, partially plays a role in my choice to apply to intern/study in DC. The application is due October 8, but because I'm a sophomore and they prefer Juniors and Seniors, I want to get my application in early. I have everything else lined up and ready to go. I have references, my resume, and all the necessary information for the basic application... all I need is my essay. GAH! Why can't I just get this done? I should go to the writing center or something. Maybe they could help me get unblocked.

I'm over-thinkning. I always do. Always. I should just do it. Just write and see what comes. Ha. Right. That's not going to happen. I feel like I have so much going on that's clouding my mind. I have so much other work and activities that take up time, energy, and space in my brain that I don't know if I can do this. Maybe I'm stressing myself out. Maybe I'm spreading myself too thin. I don't want to burn out, but at the same time, I want to be involved. I want to make a difference. I don't want to just sit in my room and watch online TV. I want people to respect me academically... I feel like they don't. I feel like I'm just getting by academically. I can't do that. I need to go above and beyond... push myself. I didn't push myself in high school. I just got by with a little studying and sweet talk. I can't do that here. That won't fly in college. That's not the real world. I have to be better than I was, in all aspects of my life. But most of those are rants for another time.

So this was a ramble of mumbo-jumbo. *sigh*...