Fall Break & Retreat

It's been a little while since I've written. A bunch of stuff has happened... fall break, getting back to school, a church retreat, an interview for an internship in DC (!) ...etc. But not only has a lot happened as far as events and a schedule and whatnot, I've been all over the place emotionally. Going home was super exciting because I got to see my family and Andrew and I even ran into a couple friends at Kings Dominion. It was so nice to just be in a place where I feel so comfortable and I didn't have to worry about tests or papers or the drama of group projects for a few days. It was nice to just breathe again. But even though I felt so comfortable, there felt like there was still something missing. I didn't feel whole, like I have felt in the past when I've been home on break. This time felt so different and it bothered me. Then, not resolving the difference made it even harder coming back to school when I knew that the certain things that did feel better when I was home were going to go back to the uncomfortable limbo where they were before fall break. I always feel like there's something missing when I'm at school. I've been able to rectify the emptiness for a little while, but it keeps returning.

That was a bit of what I was focusing on during my retreat this past weekend. I've just been confused and the emptiness keeps haunting me. I'm trying to pray more, read the Bible more, and journal (not here, obviously), which is helping, but sometimes I feel like I'm all alone and I don't really have anyone to talk to about church-y stuff. I mean, I do... but sometimes I feel like I don't and it's tough to feel alone and stuck in my own head, wrestling twelve million things at once. This weekend helped me to come to some conclusions about my life and some decisions that I need to make. I struggled through prayer and scripture, while trying to be attentive to the presence of God and Jesus and figure out where and who I am and supposed to be. I didn't get very far, naturally, but it was a start. I know I'm on the right path. I just need to stick with it, which is the tough part, considering I have so many things to juggle.
There were two things this weekend that spiritually, really stuck out in my mind. The first was when were instructed to go out on our own to talk to Jesus, and try and figure out who Jesus is in our own lives. We had a packet throughout the weekend and the page in the packet for this prayer exercise had some questions to get us started, but we were really supposed to delve into ourselves and converse (not only by talking to, but by listening as well) with Jesus. My prayer time started off pretty simple, going through the questions on the paper, but very quickly, as I was walking along the path of the retreat center, my prayer turned into working through something that I have been struggling with for a while now. We had 45 minutes to complete this exercise, and I think I spent 30 of those 45 on a wooden staircase that was supposed to lead to a hiking path, crying, shaking, and talking to Jesus and trying to listen and trying to trust that my prayers would be answered. After the time was up, we had to go to dinner, but when we returned, we did an exercise where we wrote down some sins, faults, places in our life where we have not been true to ourselves or others, etc. When were were finished with writing things down, we were to throw them in the fire as a symbol of renewal and reconciliation. Now, I recognize that this was not an official confession and does not count as the sacrament of reconciliation, but I still thought it was so effective. Still thinking about my personal prayer time, I started to write. I wrote so much... I think I took this assignment to heart a little too much. I was the last one to finish, but I was so engrossed and internally-focused that I didn't even notice until I got up to throw my paper into the fire. The thing that was so powerful and perfect, though, was that I put on Audrey Assad (I brought my iHome and iPod to play), and "Come Clean" was the first song to come on when I pressed shuffle. I thought I would be the only one to notice this, which I know was not a coincidence, but it turns out that others noticed as well. God was definitely in that moment of reflection and renewal.
The second thing that stood out for me this past weekend was just the people that were at the retreat. Everyone was just so accepting of everyone and so willing to offer their prayers, listening ears, and encouragement. There were so many laughs, tears, and silence shared for the grace of God that it was just so powerful to be in the presence of so many wonderful people that I know I can turn to if I need a pick-me-up or someone to pray with. They are wonderful, and I could not even imagine this weekend without them. Most of this weekend I didn't feel the emptiness I keep experiencing and I could just be myself.