I know you read this..

Hello Andrew.

Transferring...

Sometimes I wonder if I should have chosen a different college. I wonder how different my life would be if I had gone to a school closer to home. Sometimes I think that it would be really nice to be closer to home so I could come home more than four times a year, and people could actually come and visit me without spending hundreds of dollars and dealing with airplanes and whatever. Today, I started looking up random schools that some facebook friends go to and then tried to look at schools with similar programs to what I have now...I found some, and one that actually had something super similar to the program I'm in now, including my minor.

I have considered transferring before, but I know I never will. As much as I gripe on and on about random things about Ithaca (the internet, the weather, etc.), I do like it here. I (mostly) like the people I've met and the classes I'm taking. This year is so far a lot better than last year, especially with the Catholic Community. Last year it felt so clique-y and I felt really awkward standing outside of the group, when I was so used to being in a group I felt so comfortable with. I suppose that's a side effect of being a "first year" in general, but I just didn't feel like I belonged. This year I fell so much more comfortable, especially now that we have a new Lay Campus Minister. I feel like it's a fresh start on so many levels. Coming back to school this year was comforting for the most part, just because I knew that as much as I don't like initial change, I would be okay because I've done this before. I could research other colleges all I want, and sometimes long to be somewhere else where I know people from home, but I would never actually transfer. I couldn't imagine transferring and leaving behind all the friends I've made here who make this place bearable and for the most part really fun. Really, if I could just pick up this campus and (mostly) everyone on it and move it closer to the people back home that I love, I totally would.

If I get into the DC program (I applied and they have my application!), it'll be nice to be close to home for a while, and I have a feeling that it's going to be super difficult to come back. But then I'll remember the feeling that I got when I arrived back on campus for the first time since May and know that I am comfortable here and this is my home away from home (as much as I'm sure my mom and probably my boyfriend don't like hearing that).

Faith Identity

Herein lies my problem: I think I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I'm trying too hard to be more faithful and to emulate people I've seen at Catholic conferences and/or people I follow on Twitter. They just seem to have it all put together, so sure of themselves, so trusting and secure in their faith. I constantly wonder "how did they get to that point? how are they so sure of themselves and their faith? why aren't I so sure?"

But I realized tonight, while thinking and inwardly struggling, that I'm not them. My life is so different from those people I look at and admire. Yes, we all share the same faith and the same God, but I am my own person. I have my own hopes and dreams and prayers. I don't have to pray for X, Y, & Z in order to be a faithful and loving person. I don't have to pray a certain way or be interested in all the same things to be secure in my faith. I used to be a lot more certain in my faith than I am now. I think part of my problem is that I started comparing myself to all these people and I stopped being so concerned with my own faith life. I need to focus on me. I need to change how I view people and their faith as well as how I view my own. This is my life. I don't need to compare myself to people. I shouldn't. Because when I do, I only end up doubting myself and losing sight of what really matters: myfaith relationship. As much as it's nice to know that others are growing in their relationships with the Lord, that's their business, and I need to worry about mine.

Conclusions

Here is my conclusion:

I do not like my body. I feel so fat and I think that everyone is judging me on my looks. I guess that’s a product of being a member of today’s society. If I am not 5’10”, have long straight hair, and a size 0-4, I do not belong here. The average woman in America is a size 12. I’m average… but yet I feel sofat. I look at my peers, those in their string bikinis and their one chin, and envy them. I wish I could look like them. I question why I don’t. Why was I not blessed with a “perfect” body? Why was I given looks that are accepted my today’s society? Why do I feel like I don’t belong?

Over the past year, I have lost and gained weight, only to end up heavier than I have ever been. I have no motivation to be active, though. “I have no time.” “I don’t feel like working out.” “I don’t want to the gym with people I know… I will look like a whale and people will judge me.” I make these excuses time after time. Why do I make such excuses? Why can’t I be like my sister who at 5’10” weighs less than I do at 5’3”? Why can’t I be like her, who has motivation and drive? She says all the time that she is fat, and I want to slap her in the face. How could she possibly think that? She is beautiful, and I am the one cringing when I look in the mirror, wanting to buy XXXL sweatpants and sweatshirt and curl up in a corner.

This is not a new thing, this self-loathing, self-pity, and self-consciousness. I have always been self-conscious. Ages 6-16, I swam competitively. From a young age, I was never ever one of the skinny-minis who have the perfect swimmer’s body. Even that young, I would compare myself to those other girls and wish I could have lean bodies like them, gracefully moving through the water like angelfish, instead of floundering around like a sea creature gasping for water when they are caught on a fisherman’s hook. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I trained, I was never as thin or fit as the other girls… This just made me feel more self-conscious… and I suppose it just stuck.

Trying to Figure it Out

I have come to a point in my life where I have no idea what I want and I am always confused. There will be days where I feel like I know exactly what I want to do and I am certain that my studies will help me succeed. But there are other days where I feel like my head is spinning and I can't focus on a clear path of action. I feel so blocked as far as school is concerned, especially when it comes to filling out my application for an internship program in DC next semester.

I have to write a personal essay about how my academic and career goals will play into an internship and what my ideal internship looks like. But if I don't know what I want to do with my life, how am I supposed to answer that? I don't know. I can't just write an essay saying I want to be closer to home, which, to be perfectly honest, partially plays a role in my choice to apply to intern/study in DC. The application is due October 8, but because I'm a sophomore and they prefer Juniors and Seniors, I want to get my application in early. I have everything else lined up and ready to go. I have references, my resume, and all the necessary information for the basic application... all I need is my essay. GAH! Why can't I just get this done? I should go to the writing center or something. Maybe they could help me get unblocked.

I'm over-thinkning. I always do. Always. I should just do it. Just write and see what comes. Ha. Right. That's not going to happen. I feel like I have so much going on that's clouding my mind. I have so much other work and activities that take up time, energy, and space in my brain that I don't know if I can do this. Maybe I'm stressing myself out. Maybe I'm spreading myself too thin. I don't want to burn out, but at the same time, I want to be involved. I want to make a difference. I don't want to just sit in my room and watch online TV. I want people to respect me academically... I feel like they don't. I feel like I'm just getting by academically. I can't do that. I need to go above and beyond... push myself. I didn't push myself in high school. I just got by with a little studying and sweet talk. I can't do that here. That won't fly in college. That's not the real world. I have to be better than I was, in all aspects of my life. But most of those are rants for another time.

So this was a ramble of mumbo-jumbo. *sigh*...