Faith Identity

Herein lies my problem: I think I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I'm trying too hard to be more faithful and to emulate people I've seen at Catholic conferences and/or people I follow on Twitter. They just seem to have it all put together, so sure of themselves, so trusting and secure in their faith. I constantly wonder "how did they get to that point? how are they so sure of themselves and their faith? why aren't I so sure?"

But I realized tonight, while thinking and inwardly struggling, that I'm not them. My life is so different from those people I look at and admire. Yes, we all share the same faith and the same God, but I am my own person. I have my own hopes and dreams and prayers. I don't have to pray for X, Y, & Z in order to be a faithful and loving person. I don't have to pray a certain way or be interested in all the same things to be secure in my faith. I used to be a lot more certain in my faith than I am now. I think part of my problem is that I started comparing myself to all these people and I stopped being so concerned with my own faith life. I need to focus on me. I need to change how I view people and their faith as well as how I view my own. This is my life. I don't need to compare myself to people. I shouldn't. Because when I do, I only end up doubting myself and losing sight of what really matters: myfaith relationship. As much as it's nice to know that others are growing in their relationships with the Lord, that's their business, and I need to worry about mine.

Conclusions

Here is my conclusion:

I do not like my body. I feel so fat and I think that everyone is judging me on my looks. I guess that’s a product of being a member of today’s society. If I am not 5’10”, have long straight hair, and a size 0-4, I do not belong here. The average woman in America is a size 12. I’m average… but yet I feel sofat. I look at my peers, those in their string bikinis and their one chin, and envy them. I wish I could look like them. I question why I don’t. Why was I not blessed with a “perfect” body? Why was I given looks that are accepted my today’s society? Why do I feel like I don’t belong?

Over the past year, I have lost and gained weight, only to end up heavier than I have ever been. I have no motivation to be active, though. “I have no time.” “I don’t feel like working out.” “I don’t want to the gym with people I know… I will look like a whale and people will judge me.” I make these excuses time after time. Why do I make such excuses? Why can’t I be like my sister who at 5’10” weighs less than I do at 5’3”? Why can’t I be like her, who has motivation and drive? She says all the time that she is fat, and I want to slap her in the face. How could she possibly think that? She is beautiful, and I am the one cringing when I look in the mirror, wanting to buy XXXL sweatpants and sweatshirt and curl up in a corner.

This is not a new thing, this self-loathing, self-pity, and self-consciousness. I have always been self-conscious. Ages 6-16, I swam competitively. From a young age, I was never ever one of the skinny-minis who have the perfect swimmer’s body. Even that young, I would compare myself to those other girls and wish I could have lean bodies like them, gracefully moving through the water like angelfish, instead of floundering around like a sea creature gasping for water when they are caught on a fisherman’s hook. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I trained, I was never as thin or fit as the other girls… This just made me feel more self-conscious… and I suppose it just stuck.

Trying to Figure it Out

I have come to a point in my life where I have no idea what I want and I am always confused. There will be days where I feel like I know exactly what I want to do and I am certain that my studies will help me succeed. But there are other days where I feel like my head is spinning and I can't focus on a clear path of action. I feel so blocked as far as school is concerned, especially when it comes to filling out my application for an internship program in DC next semester.

I have to write a personal essay about how my academic and career goals will play into an internship and what my ideal internship looks like. But if I don't know what I want to do with my life, how am I supposed to answer that? I don't know. I can't just write an essay saying I want to be closer to home, which, to be perfectly honest, partially plays a role in my choice to apply to intern/study in DC. The application is due October 8, but because I'm a sophomore and they prefer Juniors and Seniors, I want to get my application in early. I have everything else lined up and ready to go. I have references, my resume, and all the necessary information for the basic application... all I need is my essay. GAH! Why can't I just get this done? I should go to the writing center or something. Maybe they could help me get unblocked.

I'm over-thinkning. I always do. Always. I should just do it. Just write and see what comes. Ha. Right. That's not going to happen. I feel like I have so much going on that's clouding my mind. I have so much other work and activities that take up time, energy, and space in my brain that I don't know if I can do this. Maybe I'm stressing myself out. Maybe I'm spreading myself too thin. I don't want to burn out, but at the same time, I want to be involved. I want to make a difference. I don't want to just sit in my room and watch online TV. I want people to respect me academically... I feel like they don't. I feel like I'm just getting by academically. I can't do that. I need to go above and beyond... push myself. I didn't push myself in high school. I just got by with a little studying and sweet talk. I can't do that here. That won't fly in college. That's not the real world. I have to be better than I was, in all aspects of my life. But most of those are rants for another time.

So this was a ramble of mumbo-jumbo. *sigh*...