Conclusions

Here is my conclusion:

I do not like my body. I feel so fat and I think that everyone is judging me on my looks. I guess that’s a product of being a member of today’s society. If I am not 5’10”, have long straight hair, and a size 0-4, I do not belong here. The average woman in America is a size 12. I’m average… but yet I feel sofat. I look at my peers, those in their string bikinis and their one chin, and envy them. I wish I could look like them. I question why I don’t. Why was I not blessed with a “perfect” body? Why was I given looks that are accepted my today’s society? Why do I feel like I don’t belong?

Over the past year, I have lost and gained weight, only to end up heavier than I have ever been. I have no motivation to be active, though. “I have no time.” “I don’t feel like working out.” “I don’t want to the gym with people I know… I will look like a whale and people will judge me.” I make these excuses time after time. Why do I make such excuses? Why can’t I be like my sister who at 5’10” weighs less than I do at 5’3”? Why can’t I be like her, who has motivation and drive? She says all the time that she is fat, and I want to slap her in the face. How could she possibly think that? She is beautiful, and I am the one cringing when I look in the mirror, wanting to buy XXXL sweatpants and sweatshirt and curl up in a corner.

This is not a new thing, this self-loathing, self-pity, and self-consciousness. I have always been self-conscious. Ages 6-16, I swam competitively. From a young age, I was never ever one of the skinny-minis who have the perfect swimmer’s body. Even that young, I would compare myself to those other girls and wish I could have lean bodies like them, gracefully moving through the water like angelfish, instead of floundering around like a sea creature gasping for water when they are caught on a fisherman’s hook. But no matter what I did, no matter how hard I trained, I was never as thin or fit as the other girls… This just made me feel more self-conscious… and I suppose it just stuck.